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+--- Thread: I Wanted Wings (/thread-19672.html)
I Wanted Wings - AbstractTraitorHero - 11-28-2024
I can taste it that moment where skin was put back on me. The salt of my own tears, the feelings welling within me, as the pain began to fade from me. As I felt his fibers, as I had lips again, I had everything again. I can still taste it, the filth, the fear, the anger, that desperation burning within me as something within me screamed. Every step I take in this body, as I sit across from a man trying to offer me everything, as I sip wine, as I feel so hollow while being offered a third pathway.
Do I really deserve it?
A Piece of Shit?
Like me? Does she really deserve to have a sense of purpose, does she really deserve for Roman to care for her? For Hemlock to care for her, for Kalvorn's words to be flowing, swirling about in my head? Trying to offer me so much, I'm twisted inside & always have been, I can feel my breath giving out, the taste of black trout tastes like the filth. Tastes like it, gritty & unpleasant, my mind swirls, thinking of him, thinking of a mentor while I sip wine, while the world converges.
Of how badly, each time I'm presented with the opportunity. Each time that I think of who I am, each time I feel hollow, this sense of depravity. A cold weight upon me, I'm reminded of for some reason? I keep saving people, I would have died in those floodwaters, I would have died in the sewage of gloomlight, I would have perished, yet more than anything?
I wanted him to live.
Do I really deserve it?
A Piece of Shit?
Like me? Does she really deserve to have a sense of purpose, does she really deserve for Roman to care for her? For Hemlock to care for her, for Kalvorn's words to be flowing, swirling about in my head? Trying to offer me so much, I'm twisted inside & always have been, I can feel my breath giving out, the taste of black trout tastes like the filth. Tastes like it, gritty & unpleasant, my mind swirls, thinking of him, thinking of a mentor while I sip wine, while the world converges.
Of how badly, each time I'm presented with the opportunity. Each time that I think of who I am, each time I feel hollow, this sense of depravity. A cold weight upon me, I'm reminded of for some reason? I keep saving people, I would have died in those floodwaters, I would have died in the sewage of gloomlight, I would have perished, yet more than anything?
I wanted him to live.
I wanted wings, so that moment engrained into me for the rest of my life. That moment of agony & pain, burned alive, that moment of triumph as the sewage & the water flowed & rose by my command. As for the first time in my life I flew, as for the first time in my life, I was unstoppable, I was a savior, I was doing something. That I do every time, with the faeborne, with my mentor, who insults me with that little pet name, when the chips are down, when everything is on the line, when someone's future is about to be stolen from them.
I Act.
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be, why did I let myself feel all these things? Why did I make things so complicated, why did I allow myself to feel these things? I thought I wanted to have power, I thought I wanted to be atop, yet why do all these feelings swirl within me, breaking me, crashing upon me, crumbling me down just like the sea does to the world. I am crumbling apart, I am a rock that has worn down & turned into sand & I am about to crumble inwards.
I want to Die in a War.
I don't want to be seen like this, don't want to have to make a choice. Don't want to be forced to pick a side, to pick a choice for my life. I just want to die, to be forgotten in this moment, to be forced. To have my fate decided, for someone or for me to die & thus, I can just force myself along down a path, let myself go with the flow. Circling around a drain, I'm going crazy, I'm losing it all, I'm about to lose it sipping wine with you, Kalvorn. The death you want to end, seems so fucking.
S w e e t~
I Act.
Who am I? Who am I supposed to be, why did I let myself feel all these things? Why did I make things so complicated, why did I allow myself to feel these things? I thought I wanted to have power, I thought I wanted to be atop, yet why do all these feelings swirl within me, breaking me, crashing upon me, crumbling me down just like the sea does to the world. I am crumbling apart, I am a rock that has worn down & turned into sand & I am about to crumble inwards.
I want to Die in a War.
I don't want to be seen like this, don't want to have to make a choice. Don't want to be forced to pick a side, to pick a choice for my life. I just want to die, to be forgotten in this moment, to be forced. To have my fate decided, for someone or for me to die & thus, I can just force myself along down a path, let myself go with the flow. Circling around a drain, I'm going crazy, I'm losing it all, I'm about to lose it sipping wine with you, Kalvorn. The death you want to end, seems so fucking.
S w e e t~
RE: I Wanted Wings - AbstractTraitorHero - 12-05-2024
All of it is coming to a head. Everything that I have been, everything that I've ever wanted to be. I can feel it, the way they all begin to slip between my fingers, how I'm burning inside. How this heat is building up, how I know that I'm caught, how I know that this hood is pointless, that this lie was never useful from the beginning.
A P o i s o n
I know they'll try to Stop me.
How I know the truth, how I know deep down. That they won't share it with me, that they've grown sick of me, a trial with me trapped in the center, never told I'm the main participant, that I'm the future defendant on the stand. That I'm the woman trapped within stagnation, offered rebirth & feeling something beginning to eat at me.
Scratching, digging, eating.
Away at me, never stopping, never ending. Pressed right against my forehead, with something so wrong, beginning to spread through me. I can feel it, the way my fortune unravels before me. The way my heart beats ever so off beat, how some part of me wants so badly to live. When I've wanted so badly to die, when I've wanted to just fade away, to crumble in on myself. It kept coming at me, that moment where I can die, yet every time I've flown away, I've done the impossible.
I can't thread this gap.
I can't keep it all together, can't have my hand intertwined with yours. Can't feel a smile so far away, that I've never seen. Can't have my cake & eat it too, I'm swirling down the drain. I've never been worth what you saw me as Roman; I don't know who I could be Kalvorn, beyond this woman who stepped into your life before a tower when you broke free of that prison. It was the most beautiful try you ever made Roman; it was the kindest thing you've ever done Hemlock. But I need to do this, I need to let it all fall apart, let myself fall apart, let whoever's left of me, a woman stuck between three paths shatter & have what's left of her?
Rise From The Ashes.
A P o i s o n
I know they'll try to Stop me.
How I know the truth, how I know deep down. That they won't share it with me, that they've grown sick of me, a trial with me trapped in the center, never told I'm the main participant, that I'm the future defendant on the stand. That I'm the woman trapped within stagnation, offered rebirth & feeling something beginning to eat at me.
Scratching, digging, eating.
Away at me, never stopping, never ending. Pressed right against my forehead, with something so wrong, beginning to spread through me. I can feel it, the way my fortune unravels before me. The way my heart beats ever so off beat, how some part of me wants so badly to live. When I've wanted so badly to die, when I've wanted to just fade away, to crumble in on myself. It kept coming at me, that moment where I can die, yet every time I've flown away, I've done the impossible.
I can't thread this gap.
I can't keep it all together, can't have my hand intertwined with yours. Can't feel a smile so far away, that I've never seen. Can't have my cake & eat it too, I'm swirling down the drain. I've never been worth what you saw me as Roman; I don't know who I could be Kalvorn, beyond this woman who stepped into your life before a tower when you broke free of that prison. It was the most beautiful try you ever made Roman; it was the kindest thing you've ever done Hemlock. But I need to do this, I need to let it all fall apart, let myself fall apart, let whoever's left of me, a woman stuck between three paths shatter & have what's left of her?
Rise From The Ashes.