Fitzgerald's Stone
07-15-2022, 12:39 AM
I don't know how to direct myself, but I don't know who should direct me.
Even my most sacred thoughts are untrustworthy. I'll spend the night using another as a pillow, filled with warmth and love, the anxiety of conscious closeness tying knots in my stomach. Then morning will come, and with it worry. How do I know if I actually love someone, or if I'm just trying to convince myself that I do because I don't want to be alone anymore? I'm very good at lying to myself. I cannot trust myself.
I can't tell what's really me and what I just think is supposed to be me.
Someone needs to draw it all out for me. Someone needs to tell me who I am and what I'm like. Sometimes I worry I'm not actually like anything, that I'm just a malleable piece of clay that's molded by the people around me, an empty canvas for people to make their own, but with nothing of my own to contribute. A puppet without a puppeteer, strung along instead by the strings of others that I get tied up in.
It makes me want to be alone. If others can't influence me, I'll know who I am. But it's not possible for me to be alone.
This morning I stood on the edge of the bathtub for a while. I'm not sure how long, because I didn't check the time, but I'm certain it was at least an hour or two. I don't remember how it started, and I don't remember how it ended, but I remember feeling paralyzed. I didn't know if I actually couldn't move, or if I just thought I couldn't move, and I didn't move while I tried to figure it out. I just wanted to bathe, but I had to figure that out first.
I think it's because I didn't have my rock on me.
It is the closest thing I have to a puppeteer when I don't have other people. I need someone to direct me, so I need my rock with me. But lately the rock has been telling me other people are not worth spending time with. Every time I get close to someone, the rock tells me why I should stay away from them. There's always so many reasons. So obviously the best thing for me to do is hide from everyone. Forever.
Into the woods we go, me and my rock. Maybe there it can help me understand it all.
Even my most sacred thoughts are untrustworthy. I'll spend the night using another as a pillow, filled with warmth and love, the anxiety of conscious closeness tying knots in my stomach. Then morning will come, and with it worry. How do I know if I actually love someone, or if I'm just trying to convince myself that I do because I don't want to be alone anymore? I'm very good at lying to myself. I cannot trust myself.
I can't tell what's really me and what I just think is supposed to be me.
Someone needs to draw it all out for me. Someone needs to tell me who I am and what I'm like. Sometimes I worry I'm not actually like anything, that I'm just a malleable piece of clay that's molded by the people around me, an empty canvas for people to make their own, but with nothing of my own to contribute. A puppet without a puppeteer, strung along instead by the strings of others that I get tied up in.
It makes me want to be alone. If others can't influence me, I'll know who I am. But it's not possible for me to be alone.
This morning I stood on the edge of the bathtub for a while. I'm not sure how long, because I didn't check the time, but I'm certain it was at least an hour or two. I don't remember how it started, and I don't remember how it ended, but I remember feeling paralyzed. I didn't know if I actually couldn't move, or if I just thought I couldn't move, and I didn't move while I tried to figure it out. I just wanted to bathe, but I had to figure that out first.
I think it's because I didn't have my rock on me.
It is the closest thing I have to a puppeteer when I don't have other people. I need someone to direct me, so I need my rock with me. But lately the rock has been telling me other people are not worth spending time with. Every time I get close to someone, the rock tells me why I should stay away from them. There's always so many reasons. So obviously the best thing for me to do is hide from everyone. Forever.
Into the woods we go, me and my rock. Maybe there it can help me understand it all.