[Lammy]

  

I will never understand humanity and their variant ideals of how life works. There are so many different thoughts that go to the basis of what it was like to live, and what it was like to worship as well, and I sit here just pondering a simple question: why?

Why do some chase eternity, to live forever and choose staganancy? Why do we chase these acts of relationships when they can only bring forth pain? Why are we scared to let the stars decide?

When Elias left, I didn't know why I felt pain. When I told my true thoughts to Mellow, I don't know why I felt sorrow.

And now, when I am alone in the depths of the night, the only thing I feel isn't peace of mind or the enjoyment of being alone like I used to.

... and frankly, my dear diary, I don't feel much of anything rather than the little moments of disappointment within my actions, and ponder why I would even dare continue to walk toward the path of being the next Stellus.

I even failed to bring in an occultist, and all they desire to do is hunt those that break the immoral act of trying to live forever; it bothers me that they don't do it for the betterment of mankind, but simply because they don't want them to be.

But as long as they are doing what needs to be done, I should be happy with it, right? Then why do I feel so empty and null? Why don't I find the single enjoyment in the things that I used to do, but only find those little moments to be filled with shame?

Why do I feel sad that I am taking over what my sister wanted, and why do I still feel alone and dark in a city full of light?

These thoughts, these emotions, they are so strange, and the more that I let them fester, the more that I think of exploring the different side of light with my own eyes, but I could never do that...

I have a duty to these people, and a duty to the family that raised me, and no matter what road I take to move forward and to make my family proud, I'll do it.

But it gets tiring... very tiring.

I will only continue to go forward with what the stars allow me to do, and I will aim to make the right choices with their wisdom. I made my oaths, and even though the Oathbreaker broke them, I won't fall down that line.

Maybe my only fear, diary, is that one day I will walk away from you like I walked away from so many others.

Life, very interesting.

Life, I am scared of exploring.