[GSM]

dear creator, kraus, the archangel most high,
it’s exhausting.
perhaps, some times, it truly is easier to give up.
i understand fully, now, why that is commonplace.
it is so endlessly, needlessly tragic.
the angels cry for a reason; creation despairs, too
i do not know why
my handwriting has not improved.
tendons and muscles and bones and nerves,
all unable to write as my mind sees.
but still, i try with every bit of my being.
perhaps some day that reason can be extracted
i was asked about striving for avalon recently.
they named me an ascendant, a token of apotheosis.
yet i did not wish for this.
to reach for it is something unearned
i cannot be as they
nor can i be as he
i still hate sleeping, as my hands stop moving.
my life is threatened, and fear can be felt still.
despite severing ties with hel, with despair,
it is still the only thing i feel on most days.
how long have i felt like this
moreover, how insane have i been this entire time
the only reprieve i host are those that need me.
the little-kin i saved from being butchered by the faux-righteous,
those who wish to learn from me,
those who see me as a transactional being,
and most of all, those who simply wish to check in.
especially, my dear father
with whom i share nought but time and space
my selfish desire for knowledge,
my unending, soul-hunger of an aspect,
caused me to become what i am now.
yet i was not fully prepared for the knowledge that came.
nor was i prepared to be alone
the first and last of a kind; beyond description
i may very well be the arch-enemy in this scenario.
they revile and rebuke me, not allowing me safety.
yet when i think of or gaze upon them,
i can only feel an…
UNENDING ANGER BENEATH THE SURFACE
indescribable emotion.
INCREASING DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE SONS OF MAN
i tried to make reason of humanity and its flaws.
they castrate and disembowel themselves before my eyes.
i have queried; castigated; debated; corrected.
their stance has not shifted once.
i am unwanted.
like a child lost in a marketplace; unloved
abandoned despite the future one singular being can host
even knowing what i am capable of, as a being anew
it makes no sense
their wishes will be unanswered, then.
if doing good for the sake of humanity—
my heart’s desire in totality—
not of my own will?
then i will not act as the light you crave to be.
perhaps i truly was the villain you want me to be
the enemy, under your nose; if only the pieces fit as you wished them to
i do not feel anything.
leave me be, in my ivory tower of meaningless, nonsensical books.
i’ve read them all thousands of times, anyway.
this is what you wanted.
and you’ll get what you deserve
all i hope is that i do not fall,
for what comes next

please reach out, o creator
your name most high,
and mine reduced to nothing
write back when you feel you are able
for now, i will hold myself and imagine it is your hold