[ShiroKirishiki]

---

Hel is a cold place. Empty. Jagged.

You failed them.

Yet, for the past half-century, it was warm in places. Flickers of flames in the desolate wastes home to sinful wandering spirits.
Conflagration. Pyroclasm. Shadows growing harsher within shadows.

Flames hotter than the surface of the sun. Flames that burn even thoughts, feelings, and attachment.
Hatred... the fuel that eats one alive from the inside out.

You always fail them.

How many years has it been since I first came here? How many times since then have I come back more empty than the last.
How many of this filth have I killed? How many of them have returned stronger than before just to die again?

I've lost count. It's more than the amount of people they've killed.
Some people would say its enough. I wouldn't.
Nethradin. Demons. Witches. Necromancers. Undead.

You should have burned too.

All of them weigh less than a grain of sand compared to what they've taken. They aren't enough.
More of them should die. All of them should die.
I can feel my smile return when they do. When they break. When they shatter and bleed onto the cold ground.
It never lasts, of course, but it isn't about being happy, or enjoying this.

You did nothing. You screamed. You coward.

It was always about getting even.
Hel, with interest.

Do you remember the smell of their ashes?

---

"Yuki-chi!" Touka is like a ray of sunshine no matter where she goes. Blinding. Warm. Constant.
I think I would have died a century ago if it wasn't for her.
"Going demon-killings again?"
She's hates you.

"Mmh. Can you look after my sword again? I cracked my boot, too."

I wiped the blood off my face, purple and red. I liked those colors. It meant something good happened—usually.

Killing is the only thing you're good for.

"O-oh! From demon-bites? Is... Yuki-chi hurt?"
That look of hers was always disarming. The smile made it worse.
When was the last time Hajime asked that? When was the last time I asked my children that?
My grandchildren? ...Anyone?

They hate you too. They all do.

"M'fine. Some scratches. One of them tried to give me doubt. Another one, anger.

I snapped the first's spine, and crushed the second's throat." As I listened to myself, one of my ears twitched.

I sounded tired. I probably should rest. I couldn't. Not until I couldn't move. Not until I couldn't breathe.

Failure. Weak. Stupid.

"Ehehehehe, Yuki-chi strong! Will get shiny-hammer, wait here!"

The dead are watching. They always are.

Everything is a cycle. We've probably had this conversation, this exchange, hundreds of times. I made tea while I watched Touka hammer away with a weapon larger than she, sparks flying as she cackled like mad at the sight of the sparks that flew. Eien-no-Nokoribi, after all the times Touka had looked after it, almost seemed to chuckle at her glee. I did too, despite myself.

You smile too much.

"Allll done!" She always was so excited, like she hadn't changed since we were kids. "Yuki-sword all better!"
You don't deserve her. You never did.

When I looked back at her, she was wearing her hood.
Some shiny armor she'd made with her husband, ores she'd found—the ones she wasn't chewing on, at least.
She never wore armor, unless I asked her to.

"...Mm?"

Don't. You'll regret it. Just like people regret you.
"Touka going with!" She was smiling, but the look in her eyes was resolute. I felt my face twitch. "One last trip. Touka want to see if there are any shinies in Hel-place!"
She'll die soon. You know it. What will you do then?

"I'm going to be gone for a few years, you know." I didn't try to stop her. I knew better. "Are you sure?"

Nothing will bring them back. You can't bring them back.
"Mhm! Touka all prepared! Told Touka-family!" She gave a thumbs up without a care in the world.

---

---

Hel is a cold place. Vast. Hollow.

Die. Die. Die.

The snow that falls on my shoulders is cold. My heart refused to suffer it. Yet, I can't feel warm any more. Without the sun, there is no light. Without the sun, there is no kindness. Without the sun, there is no warmth. Just... nothing. Emptiness. The void. The abyss.

Run away like you always do.

Our last trip together was fun. I smiled more with her there. She kept the cold air in Hel alive with her joy, like a psionic shield against the cold. We found some things she liked, rocks and crystals that she bit to 'test' them—only to sour like they were lemons or limes. The way her face scrunched up made me laugh. The Whispers quieted when I did.

Just lay down. Close your eyes. Forever.

When we came back she said she'd rest, the biggest smile on her face. It had been a long trip. Tea, sweet treats and naps, our food for the soul. I went down the mountain to gather more supplies for the winter. Blankets. Meats. Things like that. I even found a glittering trinket in one of the stalls. A surprise for her. She loved surprises.
Let the cold take you.
That trinket wasn't very well made. It cracked when it hit the ground. I didn't think much of it at the time, the chill of realization gripping my heart like ice. I hated that feeling. I had felt it so many times, over and over again... but this was different.

You deserve the cold.

She looked so peaceful, laying there. That same smile as always, eyes closed while she hugged that teddy bear to her chest. She always did that. One call of her name and she'd come running like a child on Krausmas, dragging her hammer behind her. But, no matter how much I said her name, she didn't move. Her chest was still. Her heart was still. She was still.

You deserve the dark.

I was not.

---

---

Hel is a cold place. Barren. Vast...

Just like your heart.

I tried to fill it.

Just like your heart.

Blood. Fire. Shadows.

Just like your heart.

Psionic blasts that would unmake lessers. Everything in and around me was spilled on those frozen shards of Hel.


Every single death did nothing to fill the void that came after. Touka wasn't there when I returned, so it only festered. There was no point in returning to Eternia if Touka wasn't there. If Hajime wasn't there.

There was never a point. You should have died.

Kraus knows none of my family care. I raised them not to, after all. I raised them to be strong. To calcify their hearts before they could be scarred in the first place. There is no love for me in their eyes, even if they think so. Eiko's were always so cold, like her ice. Yaeka's were always so twisted, like her magics. Each kill in Hel is another tally on a scoreboard only I seem to keep. Each is a weight added, pit against the endless void in my heart.

Worthless. Useless.
Nothing helps. It's only getting worse. My hands are getting stiff. My mana is failing. My bones are breaking. If it were not for the psionics I'd mastered, I would have long been unmade by this madness. But I pressed on. My sword bit into each and every demon, nethradin, witch, necromancer, undead... anything unclean. Anything that remotely reminded me of the filth I wanted to eradicate for daring to exist in my presence.

You hate them because they get to laugh. You don't.

It wasn't enough. It was never, ever enough.

You're not allowed to laugh. You don't deserve it.

I stared at the skies, the endless black above Hel, standing atop a mountain of dead. Purple blood flowed like a river as my breath fogged the space before me. I couldn't move, my fingers locked around the hilt of my sword in a death-grip. I could feel my heart growing colder. The Heart of Fire that had driven me forward for over a century, was finally being suffocated. All the hatred I had wasn't enough, if it couldn't survive the weight pressed on it. I knew that, ever since that ritual failed seventy years ago. I was no phoenix. I was no spirit of fire. I was no great champion.

Say it. You know it's true.

I was simply a spiteful fox with nothing left to lose.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I felt a set of claws pierce my chest. I looked down and saw the blood coating them. I heard the demon's cackling snarl of victory, ragged as half its chest was gone from a blast of mine that'd just missed. The crooked smile on its face was wretched. It made me want to puke. With some of the last mana I had, I immolated his existence, turning him to ashes and dust for daring to look at me like that.

It hurts, doesn't it?

The hole it left doesn't mend. I was no demon after all.

No need to be brave. We know what you are.

I fell forward into a wayfinding portal. The movement was subconscious, I'd weaved those exact runes back to Izhura more times than I could count.
What is the point? Just stop.
My blood stains the snows. The cold seeps into my heart. It was the first time it stopped burning since I was a girl. It felt strange.

Such a pretty color, isn't it? It's your favorite.

I leaned against Touka's gravestone. Next to my mother's and my father's.
Those stones were colder. But... I felt warmer when I sat near them.
So I leaned against Touka like I used to. I laid my head back on her 'shoulder' like I always did.
I stared at the skies as snow fell like ashes once did when I burned this village down a century ago.
One hit my face, but it didn't melt. Another landed on my ear, but it didn't flit to knock it away.

Finally. Finally. Finally.

Skin started to disintegrate, turning into the embers that I had forced into my shape. The fires that I had wielded no longer responded to my will as it weathered away. I felt the world get lighter, colder, as I watched those flickers of Psi-Fire rose into the shafts of light that pierced through the grey clouds above.

You're breaking. Why did you take so long?

Barely any mana remained. I could barely see well, my eyes fogged from fatigue and blood-loss. I grit my teeth, commanding the last of it for a final set of runes. Towards Eien-no-Nokoribi. Towards the Will of Fire. My most trusted companions, second to the cold stone I rested against... they deserved a rest in warmth and not the cold of Izhura or Hel. As the portal closed, I could feel the last drifting warmth of the Isle of Fire, just as my eyes were pulled shut by the weight of inevitability.
You haven't suffered enough.
I felt the cold grip of death coil around my heart as the last of the embers started to rise from its last beats.

You failed your parents. Now you die like them.

And I felt it.

You—

The smile that I had been missing, was right here all along.

"I'm coming, Touka.

Mother, Father,

Ezra, Akecheta,

Erisanne, Falke,

Regalus, Iane,

Katsuya...

...

I've... missed, you....
Did you... miss me?"

[ShiroKirishiki]