[ASignalInTheNoise]

For as long as I can remember, I have searched for Her Grace.

To bless my unworthy soul. To bask in a light that I do not deserve.

And just as I heard Her Voice - so beautiful, so perfect...

... I no longer hear it.

I no longer feel her Light upon my skin.

My Lady is gone.

Her fragments, repurposed. Perhaps into something new. A vision of harmony.

Harmony was not what I sought. Nor is it what I seek now.

I can hold no anger towards that Inheritor. It was She who found her worthy.

It is not my place to judge.

I can only barely begin to grasp the enormity of the grief in my heart.

My chest is leaden. My world is dark.

I am alone, once again, in a way that I never knew I could be.

I am suffering, in a way that I never knew I could.

My Lady is gone.

My hopes died with her final breath.

Why?

Why did my path take me here?

I see no reason in this. No logic. No purpose.

Just as I find a light - my cause, my purpose.

It is taken from me.

I mourn a life I had hoped to begin. A light I had hoped to show others.

Now.

I am the last mourner of Aschea.

Her last priestess.

The light I once knew on my path is no longer.

I scream into the darkness, begging for a reason.

And all there is;

And all there will ever be, now, forever more,

is silence.

I am broken; for all my hopes and my sacrifices have been for nothing.

I have been broken a thousand times-

But this one, I fear, is a bridge too far.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

It has been some time since I have written in this journal.

I seem to only return to it when I am at my lowest, tracing my fingers over untarnished pages.

And here I am once again, speaking my deepest shame to it. The most intimate guilt I have ever known.

I took a life.

I committed a murder.

The life ... of a Teraphim, no less. One of the few that remain, with Her grace gone from the world.

I feel so utterly unworthy of my blessings. Of my life. The shame burns in my soul and drags upon my shoulders,

For not only did I slay a man, but I left a woman with no other solace to suffer alone by my actions.

One who already bore an impossible weight.

I am so far beyond guilty. I wish to shrivel up into the darkest place there is and simply be forgotten by the world.

It is what I deserve. And yet, I am damned to duty, forced to pull myself from my penitence by men with more ambition than sense.

When we entered that temple, I had thought nothing of it; a chance to explore the world at large.

And then I heard what I thought was Her voice again. But it was different. Wrong.

... so, so wrong, now that I cannot stop reliving the murder over and over again in my head.

Doves. A choir of doves.

It would be so peaceful, if I was not burdened with the knowledge of what that heralded.

I was so hopeful. The sight of a Teraphim stole my breath away - and then,

exploiting our indignancy at the perceived persecution of an innocent,

Nousia used us.

We slayed the guardian of that Temple, Avaraine. The only friend of a most devoted of Eos, who bore the weight of her cursed sight for her.

And then Nousia,

The name I have come to curse, and almost to hate, murdered her before our eyes.

For nothing more than a feud between gods.

We were lured there with the promise of fate.

We were lured there to be used as tools.

And now, after so blindly letting myself be used, I have the blood of an innocent man on my hands.

I hate you, Nousia.

But now I understand you.

Now I will seek Lady Eos out, for I have gone from the path of Harmony to the path of Justice.

You and yours have to answer. I will see you stand and deliver, even if it demands my very life.

I make no threat to this silent witness - only a promise.

I was used, once, and I was a fool.

But you have used me again,

and now I am a victim.

There will be an answer.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

It has been a day of sorrows.

A nemesis appears.

The firmament is not as clear as it once was.

But the most sorrowful of all is that I cannot keep a promise that I made.

I had, long ago, promised you, my dearest friend - to never let myself become just a shield for others.

But that is all I have ever been, and thought you desired me to find a life beyond it,

I have failed you.

And in truth, I do not think I could have fulfilled that promise, even if the circumstances were different.

I do not need to admit my failure to you - you already know, dear friend. I know that you are saddened by it.

My love for this world, for my fellows - does not let me be anything other than the shield and the sword.

Even if doing so breaks me time and time again; my body more a litany of struggle, strife, and suffering than anything joyous.

I do not think I will ever know the happiness of a domestic life. The feeling of a child in my arms. These things ... were never meant for me.

And I am okay with this.

For all that I have fought and bled for - it is the laughter of a child on a clear day, the crackling fire in the hearth of an evening spent in good company,

The silent admiration of two lovers who have found their path. The simple warmth of a summer's day.

It is beautiful. And I will never know these things.

And I am okay with this.

So long as these things may be, I am okay with this. I am naught but a sword and a shield, and not even the finest Meranthe can offer-

And I am okay with this.

...

These scars are who I am, but even now, I recognize that I must shed them to keep what I love safe.

I am sorry, Loramelian, that I broke my promise.

But I did it for love.

For my love of you. For my love of my friends. For my love of the world.

The Path ahead is unclear. My Answer ... still so distant.

But I am not afraid.

Perhaps saddened. Those emotions will leave me, and only their fragments will remain as I strive for the divine.

But I will always know that they are why I fight, and why I have chosen this path.

I think She would approve.

It is my hope that one day, Loramelian, you will read these pages - and know why.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

Bartomeus ...

I have not paid my dues to your memory in some time.

I apologize.

It has been hard to muster the energy to collect my thoughts.

Is this how your last days were, Bartomeus? Disorganized. Chaotic.

Every moment filled with the quiet whispers that begin to make sense if you do not fight them.

The urge to destroy and tear asunder. To wipe stagnation where it may lurk.

I find the thoughts that are untainted by Chaos's mark a blessing; pure motes in a decaying mind.

Even here, in the depths of the Unreal, where I should have more sway to affect change-

... the whispers remain, and my body withers a little more with every moment I refuse to allow the Mark to rule me.

It is not difficult, now, to see the decay. The blackened blotches of skin, no longer burned away by Harmony's influence.

How gaunt I am, as hunger seems to have abandoned me in all but my most desperate moments.

I am dying; I am dying the weak death you so desperately fought to avoid for yourself.

This will not be the end I accept. If I am to meet my end, then it will be at my own choosing.

Even as the darkness encroaches, that flame still burns within. There is yet time, but the preparations are...

... time-sensitive.

Ah. It is rude to ramble. I apologize.

You always spoke of how important oaths were.

I will not fail you by allowing Lady Death to keep me from mine.

Loramelian, Lady Aubreen, Cade, Sir Corbin, Oracle dul Vique...

... Friends,

who I cherish so dearly.

If the fight's over-
I will sacrifice my mind,
Just to know you'll still be breathing,
When the years have been unkind.

So continue on without me,
Guard my body and my flame,
Keep a watch over the wasteland,
When the world forgets my name.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

I had thought that I had escaped my sin.

No. I deceived myself.

And for it, others have suffered.

I have told others to find their answer.

I have found mine.

I. The Sin.

We are all born of the Primordial Sin.
It was the Creator who made us.
It was Man who cast the first stone.
We are all guilty of the First Sin.

Blessed are those unaware of the guilt,
For it is not theirs to bear,
But ours, we who know The Truth.
It will be us who erase this Sin from Man.

It will be the Sin that makes us walk the path.

II. The Truth.

Only those who have searched for meaning find The Truth.
Once found, they make a salient choice;
To live in blissful ignorance, free of this burden,
Or to accept it, and know only service to redeem Man.

Do not look down on those who choose to be free.
It is their choice and right to live free of Our Burden.
They may either join our ranks,
We who fight in the memory of those before,

We who choose the path of Penitence.
We who give without cost,
For our unworthy lives are only forgiven in the end.
This is the Truth.

III. The Penitence.

Only through sacrifice is our sin atoned for.
Only through blood do we beg forgiveness from Him, Upon the Citadel.
Only through our pain do we find solace from She, of Redemption.
For every scar earned and every drop of blood,
The Sin is paid for.

We are not worthy of knowing the price that must be paid.
The toil given to erase the guilt of our Sin from our souls.
But it must be paid, and paid without hesitation.
Not without fear. Not without rage.

It is mortal feelings which make the Penitence.

IV. The Absolution.

Only in death do we find rest from our Duty.
Only when He, Upon the Citadel, deems us worthy.
Only when She, of Redemption, grants us rest.
A life given foolishly does not find this.

Only those who end for a just cause-
For those who have gone before,
For those who they love,
For those who they cherish,

Shall find a day's rest,
Before they are called back to duty.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

The following post is exceptionally miserable and depressing. Please, be kind to yourself.

The truth of this world is a cruel thesis.
Mitsuki found his Answer. I am happy for him.
At the same time, I cannot help but feel crippling misery.
Bartholomew. Ezra. Mitsuki. Lyco. Teaysee.
They ... are gone.

And I still live.

Why, Lady Azalea, do I still live?

Is it my sin? Is this my penance?

I have suffered so much. I thought I could endure it, and yet this world finds new ways to torture me.
I am a dying woman, who has outlived so many of my friends. Isn't the irony so...
Hilariously cruel?

I have not smiled in decades.

Despite a sickly, ailing body, I still dare to fight - and I am burned, broken, and beaten for it.

For nothing.

Why, Lady Azalea, do I still live?

Why do I suffer like this?

All I have wanted is to protect. And now, I am shackled...

... to a dying, broken husk. Unable to meaningful resist any conflict. I am accosted at all times,

for things I do not care for, for things I did not do, for seemingly no other reason-

Than for the sake of life's cruelty. To beat an already broken woman down a little more.

I cannot even meaningfully defend myself.

Unable ... to do more than be a pathetic wreck.

Mitsuki is gone. My counterbalance.

I ...

... I am alone.

He is gone.

And yet I still live.

My soul is hollow. My bones brittle.

I am the inheritor of naught but bitter ash and salt.

I beg and plead. I scream into the night, and...

You do not have an answer.

I am tired of suffering. I am so tired. I want to lay down, and sleep.

But when I close my eyes, I see them, and they ... won't let me sleep.

Why won't they let me go to them?

Please. Let me go. It is so dark and cold here. Every moment a knife twists in my side more and more.

Please.

...

It is useless to beg.

If this world will not let me go and end my suffering, then I will change it and make a new Truth.

I will not let this cruel world be so unjust anymore.

I can't let it. I can't let this be the only reward for my sacrifice and suffering.

There has to be something better. Please- to whatever god hears my begging,

let it be worth something.

[ASignalInTheNoise]

Death.

So near.

In all my years, I have never felt between the worlds as I do now.

... my body, exhausted. It's last valiant effort brought to an end.

I feel as if I am outside of my body, looking down upon my broken self.

Solais's warmth keeps me alive, but only just. Perhaps, if I was not so awakened to my spiritual senses-

I would think that I am dreaming.

I can only hope that what I have done has been enough to atone.

She tells me that I have nothing to atone for.

But we both know that is not the truth.

She tells me to sleep, and yet, I ... cannot.

Waiting between worlds, life and death.

Avarien...

... I hope, you'll find peace, once I speak to you again.

I hope you will see what I have fought so hard to protect and know your life was not in vain.

That She lives again.

Ardence. Loramelian. Alain...

... I'm so sorry you can't see this.

It's so beautiful.

...

I'm so tired.

It's so hard to keep my eyes open, even if I'm just ... dreaming.

...

She's telling me to rest, again.

Always give meaning to your effort,
Those innocent smiles, laughters are worth-
Every tear shed-
Every drop of blood...

bled.