An Irrelevance of Breath

[Nectarine Sunset]

we were made to bleed like this.

we were made to bleed and die.

You can tell me we aren't. I will say that you're lying. 

After all, you are, aren't you? There's no reason we aren't.

A long life. A restful death. How possible is it?

Is it only possible when nobody is looking at you anymore?

then again, nobody is really seeing me anyway.

we were made to breathe in life.

you breathe as easily as you lie.

The first time I saw somebody die, I was seven.

It was a peaceful thing; Father coaxed them into their rest.

He told me later he had mixed it himself.

I hated the concept of taking a life, even if they wanted it.

thinking of it makes me throw up.

we burn. we fall. we scream. we cry.

just how many of you have caused it now?

Nowadays, I carry no burden I wish to carry.

Everything is harder here. It is less simple. I know.

You are warriors, and I am not, even if I could be.

Though I stand outmatched, I swing-

i know it is a foolish errand instantly.

where does a dance, then, end?

right back where it began, of course.

I am unsure of myself. Life is ashen now.

There are no indicators for how I feel. I feel nothing.

Do I like this? I can't tell. I don't let them see the cause.

Nothing is allowed to simply be mine.

could that be why i hate the doting so much?

we are left to wonder why we suffer.

it is because we, i, have asked for it.

I wonder how long this feeling will last.

Who will I ask to treat me? Will they cast judgement?

... I honestly can't bring myself to care right now.

Darkness is comfortable. This can be made so, too.

it's far too easy now, lying to myself.

to live is to suffer. thus, we bleed.

we will never be saved from ourselves.

May Caius hold my heart.

[Nectarine Sunset]

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

I KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT THERE
UNDERNEATH THE LAMPPOST LIKE ALWAYS
TALKING, PERHAPS NOT LAUGHING, BUT BARELY
SMILING IN THAT WAY THAT YOU ALWAYS WOULD

WHO DID YOU ANGER SO MUCH 
THAT THEY WOULD COMMIT THE ULTIMATE CRIME
AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD JUST TO SPITE YOU
AND MAKE SURE YOU NEVER RESTED

THEN AGAIN, YOU NEVER WANTED TO REST

where have you gone?

i know that i left you right there in that mindscape,

a figure i should know never existed, and yet

we both did in a manner, i more than you in the end

as you stabbed your blade forth so i could live on

without the fear that i had known forever and a day

but years have passed and your name has never left my lips

for i am unsure who you made so sorrowful, but i cannot

recall what the taste of you was, for it was something

that never got to be imagined before my arrival

i wonder if you wait for me out there

WHERE ARE YOU?

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE RIGHT THERE

UNDERNEATH THE TREES, INSIDE YOUR ROOM

LAUGHING, HOLDING ONTO ME, SAYING THAT

WE WERE IN LOVE, THAT YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE

WE WERE GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN AND A HOME

UNDERNEATH THE MOST CARING PEOPLE I COULD FIND

AND WE WERE GOING TO BE HAPPY, AND I WOULD BE

CALM, AND ALL WOULD BE WELL IN MY LIFE AS I

GREW TO FIND MY PURPOSE IN ITS DUE TIME

I WAS RIGHT; THAT CALM WAS NEVER THERE

where are... we?

you are in pain, it's true- i can feel it

running across the hills and the meadows

in the mind that you created for me, and that i have

tried to maintain for you while you figure out just

how widespread your actions' consequences may be

but you cannot dance alone, and alone you are once more

so let me take my hand in yours, and together, we will be

two wholes within a self, capable of creating so much more

for you made me of the repressed and the hopeless,

and yet you have given me the hope you wish to abandon

WHO ARE YOU?

who are you anymore?

WHO ARE WE?

is there a definition without a word?

WE HAVE A WORD FOR OURSELVES

how are you so sure?

I PICKED IT MYSELF, A DELICATE FLOWER

BRIGHT AND DANGEROUS IN THE MINDS OF ONLY

THOSE THAT HAVE A REASON TO FEAR IT,

A LOVINGLY BITTER CITRUS TO THOSE THAT INDULGE

I STILL LOVE THE NAME BEGONIA, DON'T YOU?

i do. it is not me, but it is you,

and that is something you need, for my name is the stars in the sky- 

you gave me it yourself to represent the heights you never wanted to reach

although i think you've realized it's far too late to avoid such a grand thing

by now, if you've grown this powerful, if you hold this much potential, but-

novatis, then, stands as my own moniker- a blaze left unkindled.

I THINK WE'LL BE FINE TOGETHER

you think so?

I THINK THAT WE'LL BE MORE THAN FINE IN THE END

the end isn't the ending, after all; you taught me that yourself