remembrance.

[Bluebird]

a book made of leather sits open as pen and ink are taken to the pages.
thoughts had been put to paper before, but perhaps not like this.

there is pause. pen does not touch upon the empty page, yet, and ink spills... the hand is shaky, but soon, it commits.

---

Carnation & Tamerath Aubreen,
My beloved parents, the two that had brought me into this world to begin with. The ones who gave me a chance at life in all of it's splendor, and all of it's pain and suffering.
Mother, I wish we had spent more time together when it was available. I wish - even though I did not end up following that path - I continued those lessons with you, and learned more of who you were before you had me and my siblings. The day I felt you go was painful, but if you felt it was your time, then I hope you knew how much I loved you and the wisdom you gave me. I hope you're joyful in the fact I inherited your mischief.

Father, the sword and shield of us. I remember so fondly the day all of us children of Aphros wanted to train with you, so instead of fighting one-by-one, we decided the best course of action was to jump you as a team. It was fun, and I remember the lesson you imparted us with. I spent the most time with you, and I looked up to you greatly - and you, whose hand was so gentle yet firm in it's guidance, how you shined brighter than anything and anyone else I had ever witnessed. How firm and resolute you were in your ideals, and how much you supported me and my dreams.

I don't imagine either of you would have believed me to have ended up in the position that I am, now. But I hope that you gaze upon me with pride and joy, knowing I am doing everything I can with the lessons and love you gave to me.

Lycoris Aubreen,

My beloved brother - my twin. You and I were so close to a point of being inseparable, even when we were apart. Your companionship, and your own wisdom, is what kept me afloat in times of great despair. When you told me of your desire to become part of the Proto Institute, I so desperately wanted you to follow your dreams. Do you remember when we travelled deep, deep down, on our first ever expedition to recover old knowledge? It was scary, but you and father being there made me feel strong.
Eventually, you realized your dream. Your dream, as well as the dream Eleos and I have, is the reason I desire to protect the Institute and the Frontier. Because it holds the most of your memory - in each and every wall that my hands cross, and especially within the room you used to teach in. You left to chase after Shachi, and for that I cannot blame you; we exchanged letters often, and you told me of our heritage. The one from mom's side.

But those letters too stopped, one day.

I hope you found your dream again, Ly-ly.

Wynona Aubreen,
My baby sister. The one I wanted so much to make a better world for. You used to cling onto me, and I would carry you around without question. I love you.
You eventually vanished - disappeared. I do not know where you went, even though there were times I tried to look. I miss you.
...I hope you are safe, wherever you are.

Jackson,
My first friend, next to Lirael. Our friendship started off wonderfully, until a rift that I could never get over was created. It was not until much later that I could understand why you truly were unable to hate, and for that, I am still so saddened and upset about. How much could have changed, if I had the courage then, to mend that scar between us? Perhaps you would still be standing next to Lirael, now. Perhaps you would still be attempting to make the world better.
We were two sides of the Sun.

Where you rest, now, I hope it is bright and meaningful.
If you were to look upon Lirael and Proteus now,
I hope you feel great pride in how far they have come.

And even if not,
then I hope you are happy, knowing they are simply living.

Lugh,
There will never be words enough for me to express the times we shared together. The happiness, and the eventual sadness. I recall the day you told me you were afraid no one would ever remember you, yet: here I am. I still remember you, Lugh. I remember your strength in the face of adversity, I remember your choice in choosing to ensure I was safe over anything else, because to you: family meant more than anything else. You were my rock, even when I oft floated to places far off.

I could not, would not, and have not, married another living soul.

Yishma'el,
You were an enigma to me that I wanted to befriend and get to know better. In the end, it was not so much so, but when I realised you were reaching the end of your life, I arrived - masked and all - to offer you some company until then. You seemed greatly pained, and I hope that by the time you passed, it had brought you even the smallest amount of comfort.
As with Jackson, I hope you can forgive me for not being there.

You reminded me what it means to carry on, despite everything.

Lila,
My sister. The day we met I was bonded to you instantaneously. You are the reason I could remain bubbly, you and Lirael are both the reasons why I had learned early on just how important it means to others when there is a warm, smiling face to greet them everyday; how even just that smallest of instances can soothe their heart, even if not completely. You may have worried how my image of you may have changed with your allegiance to Jackson, but I write here now so it is as ingrained into memory as you are ingrained into my heart:

To me,

you always represented what it meant to be free to chase your ideals, even if you weren't free at the start of it all.
Would I have wished to not see you in the state I did when you requested my help and to teach me wayfinding, but that too was a lesson in it's own way, wasn't it? That sometimes, Life is not pretty, even if we desperately want it to be so.

You are the reason I have the gall to stand tall.

---

the pen is placed down, for a moment. there is a sharp inhalation, as if recalling these people and moments brought great pain.

teardrops decorate a portion of the page, smudging the ink.

some of these lives still had things to finish.

wouldn't it be easier to just

restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?

restart?restart?

restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?restart?

re

the pen is back on the paper.

---

Calyx Aubreen,
My youngest son. Every night do I still cry at how soon you were ripped from the world; from the chance to grow more, to learn, to overcome Life's obstacles and tribulations and to become great as I knew you could be. The potential you had within you was so bright in it's glow that I could not help but be excited for what you will do; I wanted to be there with you, in each step, each moment, to hear your thoughts and your dreams and your goals, to see you overcome the pain growing upon your soul

and it was ripped away from you well before your time.

My baby boy.
I miss you. I love you.

Edward Aubreen & Palade Avincus,
My beloved eldest son and daughter-in-law. You two got into quite the trouble, didn't you? But I knew you were fighting for your ideals and beliefs, as much as the next person, and I cannot fault you. It is moree and more each day I am understanding the predicament Jackson had, in which he could not hate. No, I couldn't hate either of you, and I don't think I ever will.

Palade, even though your life had led your mind to slip at some points, I knew your love for my son was as real and true as the sun rises in the sky. I knew that you loved him with every aspect of your being, and I am never regretful that you had become part of my family. The only regret I have is you never got to see your daughter, Carnation, become the shield and sword of you and your faith.

Edward.
Eddie.
Is it not funny? I had so many words to write down, and the moment my pen touches the paper in order to write it, it vanishes like mist after rain. You, Calyx and Kava were my pride and joy. Your choices may have brought a rift between you and Kava, but sometimes, family will never agree on something. Where you and Palade rest, I hope you are at peace and happy, finally, after so long.
...
Even if I wanted my little soldier to come home.

---

the writing stops abruptly. that is enough for now, the writer thinks, and the book is slowly closed.
there are still yet more names to write down, more names to ensure never fade from memory--

maybe it would be easier to restart,
but then what would their sacrifice amount to?

perhaps for now
i'll just
sing.