[Frozen]

A lost boy. An empty stomach. You do what you have to do to survive, right?
But it's so lonely. When you start out with nothing, it gets a little sad when you realize you're eating for one your entire life.
This lasts for years. I thought I was going to be like this forever.

Then one day, I smelled something delicious. My stomach grumbled loudly. The only thing between me and my meal was an old man in a robe, dining with a girl who looked about the same age as me. I just needed to run in, grab the food, and go. Just one leg would have been enough... but I saw the hanging coin purse on the man's hip. I was getting greedy, but I still needed the money. How couldn't I reach for it?

...

He caught me. But he didn't move to stop me. He didn't swat me away, or even berate me. He acted like what I took wasn't actually stolen. That made no sense to me. But I was still hungry. By the time I tried to hoof it, I was already slowing down. I didn't have the energy. And then...

He held one of the crab legs out. I had two choices in front of me that day. That crab leg was an olive branch. Could I hope to make peace with this terrible world, or do I protect myself from hurt?

That was when my stomach grumbled. The decision was made for me.

---

He and his daughter were magi. Travelling healers that preferred holy magic as their means of work. He helped a lot of people in his day to day, and for a lot of the time he'd be doing it for free. Sometimes, he'd stop by clinics in search of people to help. Moments like that earned him a small reputation, and people would offer him payment for his work then. It was a humble life. I wanted to learn that kind of magic as well, but neither of us were ready for it, apparently. Neither me nor his daughter.


He left a strong impression on everyone.
Then one day, it happened. I wasn't there to witness it. I wasn't there to help. Through some mistake of chance, the daughter was attacked. Mugged. But she wasn't the one to worry about... I don't remember how she did it exactly, but she fought back. And it ended in the deaths of the muggers. The father, the healer I've been talking about. Solan Llfiend? He was a pacifist. He hated violence above all. Maybe he was scared for what kind of person it would turn his daughter into. Or, maybe he was genuinely upset with his daughter. It frightened everyone.
I failed to stand up for her. I knew she was just as scared as anyone else... but I just watched the argument happen. I watched her run away. I failed to stop everything that happened after.
...
He became weak after that. No one else would have known it, but that argument seems to have taken a lot out of him. In hindsight? I wondered if that verbal assault he dished out was his own kind of holy madness. Regardless of that, he was too physically weak to act on it. He wasn't even that old... Why was he so frail? What kind of sacrifices did he make?
In the end, I told him that I had to go after her. His daughter, Clairemont. I packed armor and a sword. He didn't approve. He also couldn't stop me. Ultimately, I don't think he wanted to... He saw me off. That was the last time he saw me.
Months after I left, he died in his bed. I received a letter in passing detailing his death.
He died alone.
I can't let this be in vain.

[Frozen]

Another year passes.
In that span of time, I had to sell my equipment to get by. My sword. My armor. Most of my supplies. I was alone again.
The only difference here was I was trying to avoid getting back into my old habits. I tried not to waste money on addictive substances. Kept my hands out of others' pockets. Tried to be honest. It was the most humbling year of my life. I couldn't let those lessons in kindness go to waste, though. I traveled into the alleys and underbellies of many other settlements over that span of time. I kept to myself, only looking for faces among the crowd. The last resort came by...


Viritas.
I heard the rumors, but I only heard so much.
Monsters wandering here, witches lingering in the corners of the town square so casually. A towering stone palace in the northern end of the settlement proper. Ultimately, I was terrified. But you'd never guess I ran into the woman I was looking for in these streets. For however long it took me to find her? That was the easy part.
She lost her memory. Of everything. There were traces of knowledge in some things, like bringing up her father gave her a terrible feeling of dread or distaste. Besides that... it was like a different person. Regardless, I had nothing else to my name. To my life. So, I remained. Viritas was a unique place, because it felt like just the surface level of the land was particularly mundane in their attitudes. There was the occasional gigantic lizard creature here and there... but even they could hold a decent conversation.
I tried my best then, to be her knight. She never liked the term "knight"... She preferred "guardian". So, I tried my best to be that, too. But... a moment of weakness. After about a year of being separated from her new way of life, I was urged to split off. She was the only reason for me to stay... so naturally, I left. It felt like turning my back on everything, but I was settled on something, then.
I would dedicate this time to myself, from now on.

[Frozen]

There were times when I doubted myself. I wanted to be a knight, but I could never put in the legwork. As much as I wanted to swing my sword, I wanted to raise my shield even more. Except... I had no shield to raise. I had to be the shield, myself.
It was terrifying. I would never show it, but I was always terrified.
The people I stood around. Some were monsters, and some where villains. But I never let that stop me. For my kind of attitude, the sort that tried its best to be good? It got me one or two friends. Some of these people recognized me for at least the use I gave in collecting goods.
The knight of picking flowers.


That's what I was. And I was okay with faking the title for a little bit, if only to share.
When I left, I left everyone else behind for the promise of a safe home. I was not frozen in fear, like when I stared up at the wendigo, nor was I brave in the face of violence to protect the shinobi girl.
This was a conscious decision I made, to leave everything behind again. And the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. When I had settled into this new home? I exchanged letters, regret pouring out of my chest like blood pumping out of a wound. With her. Clairemont.
She understood. She supported my decision. She...
...
I resented her for neglecting me and all the work I put in to be by her side, to hold onto the echo of Solan. I let these unspoken feelings corrupt my decision-making. Lust. Cowardice. Resentment.
But she accepted my words.
That is the worst thing that could have happened. If I had a reason to reinforce these cowardly feelings, life could be so much easier. But now... I'll have to keep moving forward. I have to make good to my oath.

[Frozen]

She went on to live her life. She made a name for herself in the opposite corner of Meranthe while I did just about the same in Aetius.
A new name. I thought it would be "Huótai". But it's something else...

Svapanor.
The surname of the father, and the new surname of my little brother. While  Huótai is the surname of the mother, and the twin sisters of mine, there is a certain connection to the family that Svapanor seems to have. And I won't refuse it, either. I am still their knight one way or the other. And frankly, Svapanor sounds nicer.

They all accepted me so readily. A genuine family.

After leaving Viritas in the apex of its destruction, I met them all. Charismatic in some matters, wise and playful in others. They taught me many things about myself, and encouraged me all throughout my time there. In the struggles I'd face, they would be there no matter what. Astraios. Akasha. Svapna. Meishan. Even Apas, though I've only met him proper the one time. I love them all. Even if we might disagree on some things, I'll never turn my back on them truly. And they've tolerated me all this time in return.

Rarely would I have another nightmare in their presence. Allegedly, Akasha finds them to be a decent midnight snack.

[Frozen]

It wasn't that long before I realized how much they frightened me. When you care about someone - when you love someone? It's surprisingly easy to turn your head to any wrongdoings they do. At least when you're desperate for that love.

What did take long was the time from realizing it, and the time I actually did something about it.

This isn't the first time. Back in Viritas? I knew she was a cultist. I knew what they did in those basements. The word 'sacrifice' rung in my head, and the story of that little girl being used in that sabbath will always haunt me. You want to know why it was so easy to leave? How couldn't it be easy? Do you understand what they did in there? What they did, that I just let happen? What they did that I was powerless to stop?!
Do you think I could -
...

I couldn't face it. So when I was nudged, I ran. I took the first excuse to abandon her when she needed me most.

I did the same in Aetius too. I hit my limit of tolerance.
I almost betrayed them completely. When the war started proper, I almost joined the losing side. Just because I believed this to have been cruel. But it was always cruel. The war I wage against cruelty is a losing battle when I'm cruel even to myself and others.
...
It would only be a few months after this decision that I'd learn of her death, which likely happened years ago to that day.

[Frozen]

Am I cursed?
Am I so simple to not have realized I couldn't be so happy without facing down an impending doom?

I tried.
Honestly, I did.

Every step of the way.

Maybe this is what it feels like to face a crisis of faith.
It's been over a decade. Years spent, the local hermit. The hateful thing in the corner of the tower. He lived day by day. Week by week, month by month. Year by year. No one knew him. Not even the people he loved. But is that even love?

What kept me going? Cowardice? Righteous ideal?
Everything that surrounds me, it permeates hate like heat. So much heat, it could kill me.

But I have the shield. It's cold. It combats the heat.

So why does everything still feel so dreadful?

If this thing was tied to faith... maybe I'd have lost the ability to wield it a long time ago. Or, maybe I never would have been able to hold it to begin with. What faith can there be in man, when the one person who tried his best to hold it to his heart can't hope to believe in it himself? Are we doomed?



...
Let me tell you of a dream.
A man wakes up to the sound of a crow's call. He stretches his arms, his old body fighting against the ravages of time. Idly, he wonders how long it's going to go on like this... but this thought doesn't come from fear. It's curiosity. It's a finish line he's curious to meet with his own two eyes.

He smiles. There's nothing to think about when he still had to get dressed, and he still had to eat breakfast.
He smells... fried eggs. Ham. Some grits.

The food is prepared by a wonderful woman. One that in a bygone era would be his Lady. In another role, in another dream, evil was fought off. Love had won, and this was their happy ending. They share the table with some children. Grandchildren. They're loud. Somewhat rowdy. Maybe reserved in public. Smiling. Happy. In some iterations of this dream, they are joined by a family dog.

The old man plants a kiss on his Lady's cheek, and leaves to watch the clouds pass by. The children, they yell and scream over playing knight with a pair of sticks. They run after one another, and the cows and the horses in their pen watch like noble spectators during a play peering silently at its actors. The old man watches them, too...

And he realizes he cannot see their faces.
How could he imagine this life for anyone, let alone himself?

They don't exist.
And that's the dream.
...

For all it was worth... he tried.
His family knows no such peace. It may never.

Maybe if I force them to stand behind me when it all catches up to them, I might know the faces of my family again.