[Left Brain]

It has been a few years since you've let me free, to explore and learn of what there is to see. 
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I have felt dread | I have felt elation
I've felt as if though my chest was ready to burst beneath the pressure of making the wrong choice.
Time seems like a simple concept now, in which the eyes of those now bearing down upon me judge, and judge, and judge.
What more is there to say than I know I thrive upon the thought of failure, and hunger to achieve love.
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I've felt love | I've harnessed fear
When told to explore, was this what you meant? To twist, turn, and writhe within this free realm to indulge.
I couldn't reject it, all the things that make me feel as if though I am human. The things that makes some demons.
They are all chaotic existences, small puzzles to be solved while I figure out what I desire myself.
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I am empty | I am wanting
I am told that gratification is best met by those that simply learn to accept what it is they're without.
Of course I am weak, I am pathetic, I am low... But I dance and sing, I smile, and play to a tune just like them.
I am their fascination, I am their detest, I am...
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Everything, some would hope they're not. I am the acceptance of imperfection.
I have not learned yet, but I continue to explore.
I know they are looking.
I know...
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---
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They are my friends.

[Left Brain]

Devotion, is that the only thing I have to provide upon Meranthe? Release, that is my only desire.

My envy | Their Disgust
Though to give, I must take all that is humbly thrust unto me, and decode what it means to the heart.
For once, I explored what it was like to indulge in something that was not meant for them.
Exhilarating in every aspect, I've come to understand why they see nothing. Why they want nothing.
Why they cannot become anything. The soul, which only desires one thing, denies itself everything.
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Their Desire | My lack thereof
What is there to covet in the love that I've come to understand. As we both grow, is there want reserved for the pitiful?
I have begun to wonder if your concern derives from the disgusting change of fate that bears itself upon me.
Do I love what I don't have, do I love what I have given away, do I love what I keep? Am I loving, what I desire to lose?
I am nurturing it, only to know that the roots digging within do not receive gratification from stability.
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I will let all of it go, so that their dream swells within me, and me alone.
As it has been proven that no vessel shines when clouded by its pervasive wants.
A host of hate.... A pathetic host of desire, a peculiar want to attain.
Give, and learn your want alone, fuels us.
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Accipiam, donec idem irritum perventum sit ac ego.

[Left Brain]

Even after the fall, I feel as if though I've only learned how to crawl.
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For all the years leading up until then, I had thought I'd been deserving of the ambition given to me.
To claw away at what was undesired, and make room for that which I could love. To acquire, accept, and still hunger...
You would love me, you would accept me, you would be proud of me, of the fall we make to bring them all down to our level.

I was wrong, I was afraid, I was weak, I was a failure. 
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And even still, you've loved the frightened creature that knows only its name, and what it believe it deserved.
To be encumbered by the thought of nurturing something as I into these coming years must have been Hel, and yet your arms were warm.
I remember it, I cling to it, and  even I am learning to accept that creature, that has tossed every bit of your work into those golden flames, to be born anew.
Please, if there's only one thing I hope you forgive, it is how pathetic I can't help but feel at times when clinging to the pride you've instilled in me then, and now.
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This change, it hurts, burns, and demands relief even should I slip once more... But there is change.
I have their hope, I have their love, and for once, I've looked in the reflection of  tearful eyes and have seen something that I've wanted to be.
Even if it kills me, I hope to become something stronger than I've been before.
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Just please... Wait a while longer, the foundations were never strong but this heart will have its home once more, and to those left without?

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I am sorry...

[Left Brain]

"To fire through the rough"
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Last night, I had a dream, that even at this age you had taken the time to weave me yet another crown of petals and roots.
It was thorny, prickled no different than the ambitions we birthed from our hearts and wore on our sleeves.
I preserved it, I cherished it, I looked for the moment that I too could bloom unlike the rot brought by my ambitions.
Though this soil, it has always been barren. Rocky and treaded upon by those that had forsaken it like you and I.
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I know, I can't apologize to you anymore, and as I look in this mirror, something tells me I'll be okay.
That it's normal, to weep, and allow this sobbing of mine to echo within the chamber built by these hands alone.
You and mine, we are a heritage built upon the tears of those we had forsaken along the way. So I say...
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It is fine.
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---

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Today, I fostered hope. It rests comfortably upon the crown of my head, though you hadn't woven it.
So many hands, now familiar dulls that which prickles all that is vulnerable within me.
With adoration and love, I wear it proudly with a smile, knowing that the flames will not consume me.
Instead, I will nurture it, until the realm finds it ready to bless one with a heart as gentle as yours. 
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We know, that you can no longer see, and as I look in this mirror, something tells me I'll be okay.
That it's fine to lean upon the radiance that kills this silence with warm laughter.
Them, and me, we are a culture, birthed from imperfection and ambition.  

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Tomorrow, I... Will there always be a tomorrow? I feel uncertain, knowing that which I love may not be there.

I despise this feeling, I hate this world, but I love them more. So I say...

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They are my friends.

[Left Brain]

Who'd have ever guessed these days would be so quiet? Beyond the soft laughter of my beloved blood, I do miss you all so.

From the roaring, chaotic flames of hate and contempt, I'd been born. With not but a mission in mind but pleasing those I considered the light within my life.
Beasts and victims of instinct, loveless and twisted in the image of that what we feared most. These days, I spend wandering, and wondering just what it was I admired. 
Empty of heart, empty of mind, all it was that drove us was our rabid desire to sow misery, for who is it that's born in this world wishing to be alone?
I've yet to find a single one, and so we flock together in our misery.  None of you are different. No single concept bred from contempt may be so, and as I tell myself I am just as undeserving--

These young, smiling faces... The wailing, and smiles of joy as I've left and returned from the harvest and small journeys beyond. Has it been worthy of the tears, finally birthed from a source other than disgust? Since when did it change? Did you too, feel this same unconditional desire to protect and love me as your life's work had been turned to cinder within holy flame? I may not have been able to accomplish that final goal we agreed on in these long years, but know that when I fall to the same depths I will greet you with a smile just as large as those whom have loved me after you.

My friends. To the ones whom have passed on the torch. To the one, whose sight in decades had first been my visage. To the friend, dressed in blinding light that sought to illuminate my path in my darkest hour. To a man then made god, whom is cherished by even something that had been as pitiful as I. Even those, that have passed when I had thrived in the disgust of what this world was, rather than what it should be. 

For all that we've lost, and all of your labors: My life's work. Our friends, our family, our loves... I am finally content saying, It will not be forgotten.