Mom left.
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, because I thought for sure that marriage was forever, so what happened? They say it’s a divorce but it feels like she abandoned us entirely and it sets my stomach into an uneasy churning feeling. Like I’m about to puke, but I haven’t eaten anything so I can’t really throw up anyway except for some water I just drank.
This sucks. This entire thing is horrible. All of a sudden, our cute little family is torn apart because of a single woman who decided she didn’t want to be part of our lives. Did I make you mad? Did Genevieve make you mad? Did Cilian make you mad? Was it Dad? Who made you so angry enough that you would leave us like this high and dry?
Dad is trying his best, and I notice it. Even if the others don’t, I do… I don’t like talking about it though, so I don’t. You ever imagine those messages in a bottle that you read drift to shores and then someone reads them and finds out it's a hidden message for help so they go on a daring adventure to rescue the person who sent it? That’s my heart right now, only I don’t have a piece of paper or a bottle to send the message out to. Everything hurts. Everything’s cloudy and hazy, and I feel like I’m floating even if I’m not.
I think I’m going crazy.
And you know what? Maybe I am. Didn’t I always hear from others that it ran in the family? Maybe I’m losing my mind with all of these bottled up, horrible, no good feelings, and I have no outlet for them. So I try to distract myself; I read and I fiddle with the things I find on the workbench even if I don’t know what they do. It’s dangerous, I know. I can’t help it. Anything to stop my mind from racing and leaning against the possibilities and the what-ifs and the maybes.
The possibility of us being a happy secure family.
The what ifs of mom still being there with us.
Maybe if I wasn’t such a bad son, she wouldn’t have left.
I mean, she’s not DEAD.
And I know that.
But that doesn’t mean her being alive makes it worse. Maybe it would have been better if she had died, then I wouldn’t have to wonder what one of us did to make her so fed up she’d look us in the eyes and leave. Well… She didn’t look us in the eyes. But in my head she did. The world is a really really scary place, and that’s something I’ve always been taught. ‘Don’t go out alone, Thomas’, ‘Don’t wander too far off, Thomas’. But here she goes out on her own into that big and scary world… And what if something happens to her? What if her corpse comes up one day, and one of those demons or other monsters killed her? All because she left us.
All because she left me.
And I don’t know whether to be more upset, or more mad because of that.