[Milly]

Mom left.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, because I thought for sure that marriage was forever, so what happened? They say it’s a divorce but it feels like she abandoned us entirely and it sets my stomach into an uneasy churning feeling. Like I’m about to puke, but I haven’t eaten anything so I can’t really throw up anyway except for some water I just drank.

This sucks. This entire thing is horrible. All of a sudden, our cute little family is torn apart because of a single woman who decided she didn’t want to be part of our lives. Did I make you mad? Did Genevieve make you mad? Did Cilian make you mad? Was it Dad? Who made you so angry enough that you would leave us like this high and dry?

Dad is trying his best, and I notice it. Even if the others don’t, I do… I don’t like talking about it though, so I don’t. You ever imagine those messages in a bottle that you read drift to shores and then someone reads them and finds out it's a hidden message for help so they go on a daring adventure to rescue the person who sent it? That’s my heart right now, only I don’t have a piece of paper or a bottle to send the message out to. Everything hurts. Everything’s cloudy and hazy, and I feel like I’m floating even if I’m not.

I think I’m going crazy.

And you know what? Maybe I am. Didn’t I always hear from others that it ran in the family? Maybe I’m losing my mind with all of these bottled up, horrible, no good feelings, and I have no outlet for them. So I try to distract myself; I read and I fiddle with the things I find on the workbench even if I don’t know what they do. It’s dangerous, I know. I can’t help it. Anything to stop my mind from racing and leaning against the possibilities and the what-ifs and the maybes.

The possibility of us being a happy secure family.

The what ifs of mom still being there with us.

Maybe if I wasn’t such a bad son, she wouldn’t have left.

I mean, she’s not DEAD.

And I know that.

But that doesn’t mean her being alive makes it worse. Maybe it would have been better if she had died, then I wouldn’t have to wonder what one of us did to make her so fed up she’d look us in the eyes and leave. Well… She didn’t look us in the eyes. But in my head she did. The world is a really really scary place, and that’s something I’ve always been taught. ‘Don’t go out alone, Thomas’, ‘Don’t wander too far off, Thomas’. But here she goes out on her own into that big and scary world… And what if something happens to her? What if her corpse comes up one day, and one of those demons or other monsters killed her? All because she left us.

All because she left me.

And I don’t know whether to be more upset, or more mad because of that.

[Milly]

Did you know that jail cells have windows? Most of them don’t, but a rare few do; tiny slits in a window that lets in just enough light that you think you feel like a person. How do I know that? Because I’m staring at one… Or, I’m desperately trying to anyway. It’s raining outside; I can hear the little pitter patter of the rain as it hits the side of the stone and collects right at the lip of the window. If I didn’t have that I wouldn’t even know that. I guess I’m lucky that I get to have a window. Lucky that my dad’s important, right?

Oh, right.

You know how I said I felt like I had a message bottled up inside of me crying for help? Well. That message exploded and the glass shards that was the bottle I used ended up cutting someone really bad. It doesn’t help that apparently I tapped straight into occult magic right when I did it, either, or so they say.

And so I’m lucky that I’m only sitting here for assault. Lucky that I only have a bracelet that keeps track of where I am, and that they can sap my magic pretty quickly if needed. Or, they could, if I didn’t already take it apart. It’s okay, I put it back together again just the way I found it so no one needs to know but you and I. I wasn’t trying to escape, I was just curious. I know I’m dangerous; to myself, to others, to innocent bystanders.

I really am crazy, aren’t I?

I didn’t really mean to hit them with the bottle, or even cut them; I just wanted to yell a little and be done with it. They asked me where my mom was and they wouldn’t understand that I didn’t want to talk about it. I kept telling them that. They kept pressing. They wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t listen. So I made sure they understood my point. It happened so fast I don’t really remember it, honestly. One moment I’m insisting that I didn’t want to talk about it, and the next I’m holding a broken bottle and there’s blood everywhere. People are screaming. I think I fainted at the sight of the blood.

Then I woke up here. Locked up, just until the doctors can check me over and make sure I’m okay. Make sure I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sure they’ll say I’m not, but I think I know crazy pretty well because I’m living it. Probably also need to make sure everything is in order with the person I hurt, and no, I didn’t eavesdrop on a guard to hear it. I promise.

I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this one, honestly. But I hope I do, because sitting in here all day is already boring enough. I have studies to do, I have things to assemble and disassemble and assemble again. I hope my cat is okay. Maybe I’ll get more.

[Milly]

I don’t need to worry about things, usually. Typically things are just taken care of for me, and that’s that. After I was able to go back home, I found myself staying in my room a lot more, since it has everything I need… Minus when I need to go and get food. Sometimes I would sneak outside and stare up at the endless void that served as the sky for Aphros, and I tried to count the twinkling stars that someone put up there. Then I stopped when I inevitably lost count. I’m pretty sure the last time I counted, before I moved to Prospera, was three hundred and twenty-four. The count before that was four hundred and sixteen.

When I went, sometimes I’d see one of the retainers my dad hired on. I tried to be polite, even if I didn’t feel up to it so I offered just a quick hello and goodbye. But she always tried to ask if I needed anything. I never did. I didn’t see much use in bothering others, since I thought I could take care of myself.

Did you know you can buy these little packets of pre-made noodles that are dehydrated? All you need to do is boil some water and put them in so they re-hydrate, and then you’re free to add seasonings and they taste pretty good. I used to refuse to eat meat, or really anything with animal products in it but it was hard. The servants would try to give me milk. They’d try to sneak meat into my meals… But I’d always refuse it.

Dad and I used to argue about it.
I’ve since given up on the idea.

I’m not sure why all of these thoughts suddenly came to me, but I find myself in my apartment in Prospera all alone. These last few days it’s been hard to capture myself alone, with no one else around. Now that it’s happened it’s hard to process and handle, and I’m not sure what I can do.

Well. I guess that’s a lie. I have plans to work on and things to sell. But can I really do it on my own? Can I do that while trying to garner my own self discipline over myself? All these thoughts and ideas make my head hurt, and I wish I was just asleep. Maybe permanently. Maybe Ginnie was right about me.